Feeling Helpless

Within the past 12 hours, I've learned a great deal about feeling helpless. Two distinct incidents have come and gone and made me feel like I'm standing on a tightrope in the middle of the longest gulf of the Grand Canyon staring down a 80mph wind.

This morning, I was offered and later accepted a job I never thought I would get. For those that read this before I get a chance to formally announce it, the Orange County Montgomery clan will soon be the Tucson, Arizona Montgomery clan. God has blessed me with a job at the University of Arizona, the kind of position I never thought I'd be able to get. I sent in my application materials at what amounted to an outright military order by my wife and four weeks later I'm heading into unchartered territory.

Despite all of that, the helpless part still hasn't come. With my salary, we'll only be paying about half of our bills. I'm absolutely convinced that this is a door that God has opened for our family, but we still have to find Kara a job within 3-4 months. Otherwise, some lucky family member will have 3 semi-permanent guests living with them just after Christmas. I have one friend that lives in the area who has been gracious enough to offer his assistance, but I still feel helpless when it comes to her job search. I don't know anybody in her field. We are walking blindly into a place we know nothing about with only the promises of an almighty God to fall back on. Despite His 100 percent record of faithfulness, my weakness still keeps me feeling on edge as this day has progressed.

Those feelings came to an abrupt halt about 20 minutes ago. Addie has been having some trouble spitting up...and when I say spitting up, I mean peppering the center of a target 4-6 feet away from her with her latest meal. After spending a fun evening with her family, we settled in to watch some TV before bed. I went to the back to change clothes and briefly wondered when I came out whether Addie might have a similar episode. I needed just one look into the eyes of my wife to confirm my latest fear.

The t-shirt Kara was wearing was soaked from another incident. These have become more frequent over the last few days. Though we have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday with a specialist, that hasn't helped me from this pit-of-the-stomach feeling of nausea because there's not a thing in the world I can do for my precious little girl. After this last round, she promptly fell into a deep sleep. All I could do was stand there, watching my wife sob in fear and accept the fact that I'm completely helpless to change this latest course of action.

A friend of mine used to frequently say that he wanted to have faith like gravity. In my head, I always knew what that meant. In my heart, I had a pretty firm grasp on the concept. That grasp, however, has been challenged in a mighty way over the last 12 hours. As I've grown, I've felt like my faith in God's provision has been pretty consistent and unshakeable. Today, I'm back at square one, begging for that super-size portion of gravity-like faith. As my trepidations over our bank account status faded into the fear over what might fly out of Addie the next time she feeds, I'm remidned of a verse that has brought me comfort time and time again. Isaiah 41:10. Take the time to look it up. It won't take long to memorize. I'm glad I did.