The Meaning of Life

While I am confident in my eternal purpose for living, there have been more than a few days when I was receiving a paycheck where I wondered about my work.

Spending my days writing about games and statistics that only a handful of people are interested in didn't give me a lot of satisfaction as to my "greater purpose". While I loved my work and was grateful that I was able to help support my family, there was always that small part of me that had questions.

This afternoon, I was sitting in a dark living room, holding Kacie as she sucked down some juice and drifted off into the wonderful world of her afternoon nap. I've been waiting to hear about a job I applied for last month when those past questions crept into my head. I think it was in one of those rare moments when I could be still and silent that God showed me that He had provided exactly what I had been asking about for years.

Staying at home with our girls has been a challenge, but in that moment I think I finally realized that I had been gifted this time to feel like my time and efforts are valuable. I hope I can consider those thoughts every morning and treasure each day I'm home with them between now and the day I do go back to work.

The two year old that knows too much

Listen my friends to a tale of the two-year old that knows too much.

One day as mommy was putting the little girl into the bathtub, she dropped her pacifier in the bubble-filled bathwater. Declaring that it was now "yucky," she thrust it into her mother's line of sight, dangerously close to slamming into her nose. The mother took the pacifier and assured the little girl that they would clean the pacifier and get it all ready for when she got out of the bathtub. Feeling so much better, the little girl declared, "yeah, that's right, mommy! It will be as clean as a whistle!"

On another afternoon, the little girl was playing with one of her favorite Christmas gifts - a toolbox complete with screws, tools, and a drill. Picking up the screwdriver, she placed a screw into one of the holes on the tool bench and said, "OK. Righty tighty." Then she proceeded to screw it into place. Witnessing this, daddy asked, "what did you say?" The little girl declared, "Right tighty" and simultaneously screwed the screw into place.

During dinner one evening, the little girl was sitting at the dinner table with her mommy when she noticed that there was a light bulb that had gone out. She sadly declared, "oh no! the light is broken!" mommy looked up - and sure enough, the light bulb had gone out. The little girl said reassuringing patting her mommy on the hand, "its ok mommy. Grandad will fix it. Let's tell him." And tell him she did - the first time she saw him. Grandad bought a replacement bulb and fixed it when the little girl was down for a nap. When she woke up - she burst through the doors, gave everyone the requisite hug, and declared, "hey, grandad fixed the light!" She then proceeded to go to Grandad and thank him for fixing it.

Today, the little girl was busy digging into her dress-up box - completely dolled up with butterfly wings, a playskirt, and pirate hat - and found the only missing letter from one of the talking alphabet toys that had been missing for QUITE some time. Seeing that it was a "w," the little girl exclaims, "OOOOOHHHH. It's for water!" Mommy and daddy stared at each other for quite some time and said, "did she just see a letter and associate a word to it??"

Big kids and little kids

Growing up in San Diego County, the concept of a "snow day" meant driving to Big Bear or Palomar Mountain and spending the day enjoying the powdery white stuff we never saw down in the valley.

Fast forward to this morning. As Addie and I ascended the stairs, I noticed that the backyard was no longer visible and had been replaced by the white blanket I'd always dreamed of seeing as a kid. After raising the blinds so Addie could see what had come down overnight and continued to fall, I couldn't help but think she and I were having some of the same thoughts of awe and imagination go through our heads.

Below are some pictures and video of our first-ever snow day together...with cousin Alek showing us how it's done.

Apologies and Bubbles

I think I live in such a bubble that I cannot see anything outside of diapers, toys, food stains, screaming children, teeth gel, tylenol, pacifiers, tears....and more tears, and of course, messy rooms. I used to. I used to care about returning phone calls and emails, keeping up with other people through actual personal contact, cleaning rooms and not just picking up....dusting. Not so anymore. I think some days it is all I can do is just get through that day...most days that is all that happens.

I must confess that I look at other moms who have it all put together (or at least halfway put together) and I get envious. I wish I could pull that off. I used to think I could do that when I was on the outside of parenthood looking in. Much to my chagrin, I turned into one of those moms whose kids don't match and hair is not always brushed - and let's them wears PJs until late afternoon - a mom that leaves food particles left half-ground into the carpet and dishes seemingly always coming out of the sink - and let's forget about mopping, dusting, or any of the other chores that are "optional." I long for the time to take a bath without fingers coming under the door and pleas to get in. I long for moments to pull out my scrapbooking stuff and sit down to do some work on them. I wish I could find the time and energy to keep a tidy house, have people over, volunteer for committees at church, cook practically every meal. But alas, it is miraculous if half of that gets done. I want to believe that I am not the only one...not the only mom who feels that the huge stack of papers on the desk will never get sorted, or that the vaccum will never resume to a bi-weekly chore.

In December, we got to visit Eric's family in San Diego. I miss them dearly, and it was so great to see everyone. But looking back on the trip, I think I did them a disservice. I let my world spill all over them - the frustrations, the weariness, the lack of personal contact...it all spilled out in the form of too many complaints, stories, words, anecdotes, more complaints...I was still in my bubble in San Diego - and instead of letting it go and enjoying my time, I wanted them to climb in and see inside. Did I want sympathy? No, I don't think so. Sometimes I just want other people to understand.

So please forgive me if I haven't returned your phone call/email/card and especially if you were one of the many people over the holidays that had to listen/witness a mom out of her "bubble." You can take a mom out of her house, but you can't take the mom out of her "bubble" or something like that. If you had to listen/witness me over the holidays - I beg forgiveness for dragging every conversation to the kids or just how hard life is. If you are one of those moms who do have it "together" most of the time - I sincerely applaud you - and perhaps ask for advice on how to achieve it?

I truly believe that we are greatly blessed. Life is difficult. But I wouldn't change it for the world. Despite the messy house, the mismatched clothes, and the smelly diapers, my kids are so special and great and loving. At the end of a long day - there is nothing better than hearing those little feet run to the bottom of the stairs yelling "mommy!" or hearing one of Addie's little stories or seeing one of Kacie's thousand watt smiles. What more can I can ask for? Although it can get a little messy, life in my "bubble" is pretty darn great.

Girls?

It is a good thing that our girls are so cute and girly looking...because if you just saw what toys they got for christmas this year, you wouldn't think that they were girls at all.

Favorite Things: Dinosaurs, Balls, Hammer, Screwdriver (or Screwscriver if you are Addie), Cars, Guns, Blocks, Superheros, and of course, LarryBoy...anything LarryBoy.

Does this have anything to do with the fact that their 10 year old boy cousin is now around practically everyday....?? You be the judge.

Cutest Little Santas Ever!

Kacie Susanne - Day One

Just a few photos from Day One of Kacie's life. There will be more coming. Check Eric's Facebook page for the rest of the Day One album.